LAHAINA, HI — While Hawaiian families were coming to grips with tragic losses of life and property resulting from a devastating wildfire, the nation was coming to grips with the fact President Biden had taken a short break from his Lake Tahoe vacation to tell the island's victims a funny joke about almost losing his sports car to fire.
As Biden napped during a memorial for the victims of the fire, the Nation began to feel a subtle suspicion that Biden may actually be a terrible person.
"Maybe, just maybe the piles of evidence linking our President to rampant bribes and corruption are...real?" wondered the Nation while still not daring to switch news channels to see for themselves. "And could it be, the Afghanistan withdrawal was a disaster wrought by Biden and not by Orange Man Bad?"
While recalling stories of Biden sniffing kids, mandating masks and vaccines, and permitting an unprecedented migrant crisis, the Nation wondered if he really was the type of person who would destroy the livelihoods of thousands of American families in the name of climate change, or force families of fallen soldiers to pay to fly their bodies home.
"Is he, in fact, just a bad man? An evil, dishonest man like all the conspiracy theorists say?"
At publishing time the Nation had announced plans to re-elect President Biden after hearing CNN report that he was kind and decent.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
