Following Hurricane, California's Homeless Begin The Hard Work Of Re-Pooping All The Sidewalks
U.S. · Aug 22, 2023 ·

LOS ANGELES, CA — In the wake of Tropical Storm Hilary hitting Southern California and washing away debris from the streets with torrential rain, the substantial homeless population in the greater Los Angeles area has now begun the monumental task of re-pooping the sidewalks.

"Somebody's gotta do it," said a homeless vagrant who only identified himself by the name Banjo. "It took a lot of people a long time and a lot of effort to fully poop the sidewalks in this city, and that big storm just wiped it all away. It's really frustrating, but we'll work as hard as we can to restore everything the way it was."

The large but weakened storm, which at one point had reached the strength of a Category 3 hurricane over the Pacific Ocean, unleashed havoc on West Coast residents, making everything wet and turning patches of dirt into mud across the region. "It was a terrifying ordeal," said Palm Springs resident Kim Cabanting. "Or at least that's what they told us on TV."

In downtown Los Angeles, roving bands of homeless people, though disappointed all their feces had been swept away, viewed the situation as an opportunity. "We'll re-poop these sidewalks even better than we did before," Banjo said. "Like I've always said, if you get knocked down, you gotta get right back up and defecate on every street corner."

At publishing time, California Governor Gavin Newsom had announced he would be giving special recognition to the L.A. homeless community for their dedication to rebuilding the city's poopified sidewalks.

Babylon Bee subscriber Ben Mereness contributed to this report. If you want to pitch your own headline ideas to our staff, click here to check out all of our membership options!

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