WASHINGTON, D.C. — An uncharacteristically rotund Pete Hegseth held a press conference to deny having any knowledge of what happened to all the leftover lobster that had been procured for the troops.
"I, Secretary of War Peter Hegseth, have no idea what became of all those delicious, succulent lobster tails," Hegseth said in a press conference earlier this week. "We wanted to do something special for our brave men and women who are serving our country. They ate like the kings and queens they are, and I have no regrets about it. As for what happened to the thousands of lobster tails that were left over, I have no comment on that."
Members of the media present at the briefing reported seeing what appeared to be congealed lemon butter on the corner of his mouth.
"Don't turn this into another media witch hunt," Hegseth said as he wiped his mouth with the sleeve of his suit jacket. "That food was purchased for our military. Almost all of it was consumed by our military. There may or may not have been 2,374 lobster tails leftover. I cannot confirm or deny those reports. Whatever happened to them, they must have been very, very delicious."
Hegseth further denied that having a plastic Red Lobster bib around his neck was evidence that he had anything to do with the disappearance of the remaining lobster.
At publishing time, President Donald Trump had ordered the Secretary of War to start taking Ozempic.
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