TEHRAN — Amid rumors that the newly chosen Ayatollah Mojtaba Khamenei had been injured in an airstrike, the Iranian regime issued a statement warning the U.S. that it had a huge stockpile of supreme leaders.
The embattled Islamic government has suffered repeated losses to its high-level leadership over the last 10 days, but despite U.S. assertions that the conflict was nearing its end, a spokesman for the regime said on Tuesday that it had secretly spent the last several years working behind the scenes to enrich raw mullahs into weapons-grade supreme leaders.
"We have enough ayatollahs to last a century," said the official spokesman for the Islamic Republic of Iran. "We have been stockpiling them for quite some time, and they are safely stored in a hidden location. Your bombs cannot get to them. We have been saving them for such a time as this, and will not hesitate to deploy them. You have been warned."
Though the U.S. and Israel had successfully eliminated the previous ayatollah and several high-ranking military leaders, reports indicated that there may be vast, underground storage facilities where large numbers of robed Muslim clerics in turbans were stacked on top of each other. "Few know just how large their supply of supreme leaders truly is," one insider said. "They've been producing them and saving them for years. It's terrifying."
At publishing time, new reports indicated that U.S. special forces had been deployed to locate and seize control of Iran's supreme leader stockpile.
The Iranian government has officially announced a new Supreme Leader.
