TEHRAN — Rumors of the Ayatollah regime's nefarious plot to launch an assault on the west coast of the United States hit a snag on Wednesday, as Iran canceled plans to attack California after seeing Gavin Newsom had already destroyed it.
The Iranian government had issued threats that it was prepared to take revenge on the U.S. by launching attacks against California, but leaders were said to have reconsidered their plan after intelligence reports showed that the state had been completely decimated under Newsom's leadership.
"You can't destroy something that's already destroyed," said a spokesman for the supreme leader. "We were deep into strategizing a way to inflict mass destruction on California in the nation of the Great Satan, but our secret operatives said there's nothing left to do that hasn't already been done there. Rampant crime, crumbling infrastructure, raging wildfires, and, how you say… poop all over the streets. We're not sure we could do anything that would make it worse."
Sources revealed that the Iranians had reached out to Governor Newsom's office to offer congratulations on the job he did wiping out California. "What he has accomplished is impressive," one insider said. "He's done more to cripple America and strike fear in the hearts of Americans than we could ever hope to do. Well done, Governor Newsom. We admire you greatly, sir."
At publishing time, the Iranian government had reportedly asked Newsom if he was interested in becoming the next supreme leader when the position inevitably becomes available.
The news media seems to be having a problem reporting the news.
