WASHINTON, DC — President Biden finally admitted this afternoon that he is no longer mentally fit to be President, then assured the nation that he will continue being president.
"I have to face reality. My mind isn't what it used to be," President Biden announced Sunday. "I forget things. Sometimes I don't know where I am. Yesterday I mistook a houseplant for Janet Yellen. It's something about her face. So, with a heavy heart, I am announcing that I am no longer fit to be President and will cease campaigning. Still, you can sleep easy knowing I will continue running the country for the next six months as President. End of quote."
The announcement came following the encouragement of dozens of Democratic leaders, who believe the President is simply unable to run for another term but should be passable for another few months in the Oval Office.
"Um, sure, six months is probably okay," said Nancy Pelosi to members of the press. "I mean, as long as nothing too important comes up. He tried to declare war on a fire extinguisher the other day, but we caught it before all the papers were signed. It will be fine."
As of publishing time, the White House staff had to remove all sharp objects from the Oval Office, but assured the nation that Biden controlling the nuclear football would still be fine.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
