U.S. — After the announcement broke that President Biden would no longer seek re-election, aides have struggled to figure out how exactly to break the news to President Biden.
"Oh man, he's not going to like this," said longtime aide Sally Connors. "Maybe we can wait until after four, and then he won't remember?"
According to sources, aides plan to try to sandwich the news between bits of good news in an effort to soften the blow. "We could start off by reminding him that it's National Ice Cream Day," said aide Mike Thomas. "Then, breeze real fast through the 'you have dementia, no one likes you, your career is over, and your party betrayed you', then tell him that the cafeteria is serving shepherd's pie for lunch tomorrow? Eh?"
After a week considering the best time and manner to withdraw from the Presidential race, those closest to the President described finding the right time and place to break the news to President Biden even harder. "Well for starters, you only have a six-hour window in which he is lucid," said Connors. "Take out meals, naps, angry tirades, you've only got about thirty minutes per day to begin with. Trying to catch him in the right mood to tell him he's being put out to pasture - it's tough, you know?"
At publishing time, aides had decided to wait until tomorrow as the ice cream shop was out of chocolate chip, so today was just not a good day.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
