WASHINGTON, D.C. — History was made last week as Dylan Mulvaney, a pretend woman, sat down in a one-hour Now This News special with Joe Biden, a pretend president.
"OMG OMG OMG Mr. President, how aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrree you? EEEEEEEEEE!" said pretend woman Mulvaney in a perfect impression of a totally normal woman. "I'm so, so, so, so, so, so excited to talk to you about important issues concerning very, very young little girls just like me!"
"That's right," replied Biden. "I'm not even being facetious here. Not a joke. For real. Annie Oakley."
Aides then poked the pretend president with their handy cattle prod, as he was pretending to be awake.
The pair then talked at length about the issues most important to everyday American voters, such as letting biological men use girls' bathrooms, offering unrestricted and free abortions for pregnant men, and outlawing guns.
At publishing time, Mulvaney had told reporters he was happy to interview the President but was extremely disappointed Biden never leaned in to sniff his little girl hair.
Here is a comprehensive list of the only instances it is acceptable for men to shed a tear.