WATERBURY, CT — After several days of hearings, a Connecticut jury has found Alex Jones guilty of defamation and has sentenced him to death.
"We the jury find Alex Jones guilty on all counts of defamation and have hereby sentenced him to hang from the neck until he is dead," read the presiding juror. "May God have mercy on his soul."
Eyewitnesses say Jones collapsed as the verdict was read.
"We understand this is a civil suit, but Alex Jones is so uniquely evil we decided pursuing the death penalty in this case was appropriate," said a lawyer representing the plaintiffs. "The jury also ruled that Jones must pay a sum of infinity dollars, which is good because our legal fee was eleventy-trillion-thousand dollars."
Jones's lawyers are submitting an appeal, but legal experts predict the appeal will be immediately dismissed on the grounds of Alex Jones being Alex Jones.
The execution is scheduled for next Wednesday.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
