LAFAYETTE, LA — Local man Alan Tucker patiently waited for his entire family to fall asleep so he could hide in the office to listen to Taylor Swift's newest album Midnights.
"I've been waiting on this moment for MONTHS," said Mr. Tucker as he tiptoed down the stairs. "Got to be incredibly cautious though. If my wife caught me doing this, well the mockery would be unceasing for the next thirty years. Same goes for my daughter, that no-good excuse for a Swiftie!"
A long-time Taylor Swift aficionado, Mr. Tucker's fandom has steadily been driven underground as he's aged. "Sixteen years ago when T-Swift hit the scene, I was twenty-two years old and could cry teardrops on my guitar in peace," said Mr. Tucker. "By the time Red came out, my wife would no longer accompany me to the concerts - and by Lover, I had to beg my daughter to take me. It was humiliating; but totally worth it. At this point though, the ridicule would be unrelenting."
Unbeknownst to Mr. Tucker, his wife had also spent the last two weeks looking forward to the release of Midnights. "Honestly, I like Taylor Swift fine. But I love making fun of my husband for being such a weirdo about it," said Mrs. Tucker. "A new album dropping always brings some new bizarre way for him to weasel into listening to it. Can't wait!"
At publishing time, Mr. Tucker had reportedly enjoyed the first three songs before his entire family busted open the door with a giant Taylor Swift cake and yelled "Surprise!!"
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
