OVERLAND PARK, KS — A local baby was relieved to have narrowly avoided life-threatening danger last month by making it out of his mother's womb before Democrats won the midterm elections.
Young Samuel Howard was born to happy parents several weeks ago, shortly before Democrats rode a "blue wave" to take power in both houses of Congress. He now says he's blessed to have made it out into the world when he did, before the leftists thirsty for the death and dismemberment of babies regained control of the country.
"I got out of there just in time," he said. "Can you imagine how dangerous it would be for me now if I were still on the inside? They'd be coming after me for sure. It's what they do. They're nuts. Have you seen that Adam Hamilton guy they elected to the Senate here in Kansas? The guy pretends to be a pastor, of all things, but he would have been totally fine with me being ruthlessly murdered when I was inside my mother. They're sick."
Howard admitted that, while he was relieved to have gotten out when he did, he was still concerned for his fellow infant Americans who now face increasing danger from Democrat leadership. "Every day they're in power makes things riskier for us babies," he said. "Not only that, but I'm sure they're going to resume their push to chop off parts of our bodies and mess with our hormones even after we're born. We'll definitely have to be on the lookout now."
At publishing time, Democrats were reportedly already back at work mapping out their latest plan to kill as many babies as they could.
A quantum physicist interviews for the job of a lifetime at a modern university — but does he have what it takes to survive a flurry of DEI questions?
