LIVERMORE, CA — Following the news that Chinese agents had been engaging in widespread "honeypot" operations across the United States for years, former Congressman Eric Swalwell was reportedly heartbroken to learn that Chinese intelligence had been seeing other people.
Sources revealed that the disgraced former lawmaker was despondent upon finding out that, despite how much he had treasured the relationship, the Chinese government had been going behind his back and cheating on him this whole time.
"This is really a kick in the gut," Swalwell reportedly said. "I really thought we had something special. Come to find out, the Chinese intelligence community had been seeing other people all along. You think you know someone and can really open up to them and confide in them and tell national secrets to them, and they go and do something like this. It really ends up coloring the way you see other Chinese spies out there on the dating scene, you know?"
Though no official public statement was made, one Chinese intelligence official speaking on condition of anonymity said the community still valued their time spent with Swalwell. "We benefited greatly from Mr. Swalwell," the source said. "We will always care very deeply about him and wish him well in his future relationships with other foreign intelligence agents. We just think it's better if we just remain friends."
At publishing time, Swalwell had been seen cruising through Chinatown, reportedly on the prowl for his next stint as a valuable asset to the Chinese Communist Party.
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