HOBOKEN, NJ — A local man celebrated losing two pounds this week by instantly gaining back five, sources report.
"Hey! Look at that! All that hard work and dieting and…hey…wait a sec," John Baker observed. "Oh no. I lost two whole pounds but then — never mind."
Baker spent the better part of Wednesday celebrating the loss of the two pounds by eating a pint of Ben and Jerry's Chunky Monkey ice cream and a couple of burgers. Somehow, that little binge added five more pounds on the scale.
"Oh, there are 1,200 calories in a pint of that stuff. I guess that makes sense," Baker lamented. "I probably shouldn't have gone on a bender after checking the scale. I was down two glorious pounds but then BLAMO. Here come five more. Sure glad I cut out sugar and fried food for three weeks…"
As of publishing time, Baker had lost another three pounds, gained back four, lost two more, then gave up and ate an entire package of Oreos at midnight, resulting in another six-pound gain.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
