U.S. — Season 2 of Amazon's critically panned The Lord of the Rings: The Rings of Power is on its way — and with it comes an old friend: none other than merry Tom Bombadil joins the growing cast of characters, reimagined for modern audiences as an angsty, brooding goth.
"Hey dol! Death dol! I hate my Dad!" Tom Bombadil says in his first on-screen appearance. "Ring a dong! bleed along! Fal lal done!"
The show's producers, desperate for success after the failure of season 1, have once again dipped into the source material to find anything nostalgic fans could latch onto. Unfortunately, Tom Bombadil is a character from 1934 and had to be updated for modern audiences that expect a healthy amount of brooding in their characters. "This version of Tom is a dark, gritty, conflicted character who always thinks about death," said showrunners Patrick McKay and JD Payne. "He doesn't care about the other characters; he's got his own problems to deal with."
Much of Tom's language comes from The Fellowship of the Ring, but with twists to match his new goth lifestyle.
In one scene, he sings:
"Old Tom Bombadil is a very sad fellow;
Black and short his shirt is, and his boots are shoes.
SCREAMING INFIDELITIES
VINDICATED I AM SELFISH I AM WRONG"
[Intelligible weeping]
Between emo ballads, he engages in self-harm with his lady friend Blackberry.
Fans have eagerly awaited a live-action adaptation of everyone's favorite merry fellow ever since he was sadly omitted in Peter Jackson's The Lord of the Rings film trilogy, but have reacted to the new reimagining with negativity.
"Tom Bombadil is supposed to be merry!" fumed J.J. Corduroy, a local nerd. "Bright blue his jacket is, and his boots are yellow!"
"HIS BOOTS ARE YELLOW!"
At publishing time, sources had also confirmed that Tom Bombadil would also be gay.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
