GREENWICH, CT — Local Christian man Don Stanton has reportedly become so deep and spiritual, he's no longer edified by sermons that simply preach the Gospel.
"I'm way past that basic 'Jesus died for your sins' stuff," said Mr. Stanton. "Those sermons were fine when I was a little baby Christian, but I'm beyond all that now."
According to Mr. Stanton, the only sermons that can now build up his faith are those exploring complicated hermeneutics of lesser-studied Biblical passages. Having mastered the entire New Testament, Mr. Stanton has moved to exclusively studying the lesser prophets and no longer wastes time with the more obvious Gospel exhortations. "As soon as I hear the pastor ask us to turn to the Gospel of John, I'm out," said Mr. Stanton. "I mean, how many times do I need to hear the proclamation that my sins are forgiven through Jesus' finished work on the cross?"
At publishing time, Mr. Stanton also reported that he had graduated from reading C.S. Lewis and would be moving on to more complex thinkers.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
