ANAHEIM, CA — In the world's largest pedophile bust ever, federal agents stormed the Happiest Place on Earth™ and just arrested any adult who was visiting the park solo.
"They weren't hard to spot," Special Agent Dwayne Ogden told reporters. "We just looked for adults entering the park alone without kids or at least a friend or two. No adult in their right mind would ever go to Disneyland alone and just what? Sit around and ogle all the kids lining up to ride the Teacups? No way. Easy to spot, easy to arrest."
Officers approached a man they say was hanging out in the Space Mountain single rider line waiting to be paired with an unrelated kid. "I just thought it would be fun to find a buddy to hang out with for the day," Marvin Wright explained to agents. "I wasn't going to try to smuggle him out in the giant stroller I rented for the day."
Many suspects told police they were just there for the live entertainment and famous Disneyland churros, a story officers weren't buying.
"You come to D-land solo? You leave in cuffs. Every time," Ogden said. "No self-respecting non-pedo person would ever go to Disneyland alone…ever."
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
