SINAI — The women of Israel erupted into celebration this week after Moses struck a rock with his staff, causing a torrent of pumpkin spice latte to gush forth.
Witnesses reported that thousands of Israelite women immediately appeared from their tents and stampeded toward the miraculous rock, clutching earthenware mugs and shouting for extra foam.
"Finally! The Lord has heard our cries!" exclaimed Miriam as she filled a clay pitcher with the warm beverage. "Oh, sing His praises, sing forever of His great mercy. For the Lord has brought cinnamon and nutmeg, cloves and ginger. Praise be the Lord. It's fall, y'all!"
The miracle reportedly occurred after several women from varying tribes had grumbled to Moses about conditions in the wilderness.
"Why did you bring us up out of Egypt?" demanded one Israelite woman. "To just have water? Unflavored, decaf, not-at-all-cozy water? Would that we were back in Egypt, where at least we still had seasonal apple cider."
Moses thus cried out to the Lord, and the Almighty answered, bringing out of the rock the drink from which all women draw their strength. By sundown, the Israelite women had decorated the entire encampment with woven blankets, tiny pumpkins, and wooden signs reading "Gather," while Moses warned everyone that the pumpkin spice would cease flowing promptly on November 30.
At publishing time, the Israelite women had begun grumbling again after discovering that the rock did not also have a spigot for oat milk.
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