U.S — Reporters were witness to a touching sight today as a gracious and tearful Trump ran down the road with open arms and welcomed back his prodigal DeSantis, who just endorsed Trump in the primaries.
"Quick! Bring the best, most beautiful, tremendous robe and put it on him," said Trump to his aides and attendants. "Put a ring on his finger and high-heeled sandals on his feet. Bring the fattened calf and kill it. Let's have a feast and celebrate. We'll make big, beautiful McDonald's hamburgers out of this guy."
Sources say he then embraced and kissed the repentant DeSantis.
Other Trump surrogates, however, were not pleased with Trump's benevolent gesture, including Rudy Giuliani, who refused to go in and join the party. "Look, I gotta tell ya, Mr. Trump - all these years I've been slaving for you. I was never disloyal," said the former New York Mayor. "Yet you never gave me a big McDonald's feast. But when DeSantis, who squandered $200 million in campaign funds comes home, you kill the fattened calf for him. What gives?"
Sources say Trump then scolded his former attorney, saying: "This son of mine was dead, and boy, was he so dead, I mean really, really dead, believe me. But now, he is alive again; he was lost and is found. He was Meatball, but now he is Ron. He was DeSanctimonious, but now he is DeSantis once again. So fantastic, really."
At publishing time, Trump had kicked out DeSantis again.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
