NEW YORK, NY — Jewish drag queen and 9/11 survivor Congressman George Santos is celebrating this week, having landed a lucrative endorsement deal with Whoppers Original Malted Milk Balls.
"I haven't been this excited since I escaped the FBI after being abducted by aliens and forced to dance in drag at Atlantis for the delight of a lost race of reptilian creatures," said Congressman Santos after signing with the brand. "I'm a perfect fit for this great American candy brand which I invented — an even better fit than I was for Adidas when they endorsed me!"
Furious critics are still calling for Santos to resign in spite of his impressive resume, which includes fighting in the Alamo, bartending on the Titanic, and having an uncle who works at Nintendo. Others have dismissed the criticisms as transphobic and antisemitic. "Democrats are just afraid of such a beautiful young Jew-ish lady who has accomplished so much already in life," said Congressman Matt Gaetz. "She even told me she was President during the Reagan years! Impressive! I wonder if she's single. Oh wait — it's a 'he?' Shucks!"
Already Santos is proving to be an excellent spokesperson for Whoppers, having promised the classic candy will solve all your problems, and even cure cancer. "These little malted milk balls kept me alive for 40 days in the desert after my helicopter was shot down in Iraq," says Santos in a newly released commercial. "Anyone who eats these will gain otherworldly powers. Try them today!"
At publishing time, Santos was fired by the brand after it was discovered he doesn't really have an uncle who works at Nintendo.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
