NASHVILLE, TN — Podcast host Candace Owens explained to listeners that only the most highly-trained commandos could execute the crawling technique being shown as she played a video of a six-month-old baby inching across the floor.
Owens said the video, leaked to her by one of her listeners, proved that the government was running a top-secret program to train baby assassins.
"Look at this baby. Look at the hand going forward and foot going forward at the same time. It is so obvious what we are seeing here: elite baby soldiers," said Owens. "No one but the most lethal operatives on the planet can crawl like this baby. They want you to not notice little baby Samuel. They want you to disbelieve the evidence of your own eyes. There is so much more where this came from. I am in possession of literally hundreds of hours of videos of babies crawling. If anything happens to me - if one of these babies takes me down - ALL of it will become public."
Owens proceeded to show multiple angles of Baby Samuel clearly crawling, but stated that the identity of who taught Samuel to crawl remains shrouded in mystery. "We all see these babies crawling. They can't deny it. But who is teaching the babies to crawl? Who is behind it all?" asked Owens. "I went straight to the source: the hospital newborn nursery. Before they kicked me out for trespassing, I saw it -- two dozen babies, ALL IN MATCHING BLANKETS. Twenty-four babies, all dressed the exact same. And they want to make US think we're the crazy ones! And right before I was escorted out, a doctor came by to say that it was time to do one of the circumcisions. Because, of course. We all know who is really pulling the string here. All the dots keep connecting. Keep pressing. We are going to discover THE TRUTH."
At publishing time, Owens had fled in terror after a baby began crawling towards her on the floor at Target.
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