U.S. — The United States issued a collective announcement today that it had officially ruled out a Nikki Haley 2028 presidential run.
Though the next presidential election remains two years away, Americans said they wanted to get the announcement out early so Haley could begin making other plans.
"After much prayer and careful consideration, we've decided that Nikki Haley should not run for president," the nation said in a statement. "This is a deeply personal decision that we have made for her. We ask that she respect it."
According to sources, the country had formed an exploratory committee to determine whether anyone wanted Haley to run. "The feedback that we got was that Haley should do something else. Like, anything else," said organizer Darlene Smith. "Maybe join a bowling league, or take up crochet. Pretty much anything except run for president. That one's off the table."
Haley reportedly responded that she would make a decision after hearing from voters, prompting Americans to clarify that this was them. "We're the voters, honey," the nation said. "This is us telling you. There isn't another group you need to check with."
At publishing time, the news had been delivered to dozens of disappointed executives from Lockheed Martin and Raytheon.
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