CHICAGO, IL — A local hospital celebrated the grand opening of an express lane for people suffering from 10 or fewer gunshot wounds on Thursday, touting it as a revolution in Chicago healthcare.
John H. Stroger Jr. Hospital implemented the unique express lane to help doctors manage the large number of gunshot victims they receive each day. Ten shots or fewer, and they go right into the express lane for faster treatment, since there is a greater likelihood those patients aren't already dead. Patients with 11 or more gunshot wounds, or with missing limbs, will have to wait their turn in the traditional waiting room.
"This will help us effectively triage patients who have a slight chance of recovery," said Chief of Medicine Dr. Heath Meadows. "People who live can also pay us, which is important."
According to medical experts, the new system was expected to speed up waiting times across the board for ER patients as doctors focus on the easy patients before the ones just barely hanging on.
"If a patient dies on the table, there's a whole lot of red tape to go through. But if they die in the waiting room, it's not a big deal," said Dr. Jeffrey Gardner. "I think the express lane is really going to help us prioritize the sort of cases we can actually handle."
City officials remarked that, if successful, the hospital's new express lane system could be adopted by other area hospitals. "Chicago has a lot of gun violence, and we can't afford to treat every victim caught in a hail of gunfire as an emergency, because some are already a lost cause," said Mayor Brandon Johnson. "That might work for some cities, but not Chicago."
At publishing time, John H. Stroger Jr. Hospital announced a special pre-check-in service so gunshot patients could bypass the line entirely for a nominal monthly fee.
A quantum physicist interviews for the job of a lifetime at a modern university — but does he have what it takes to survive a flurry of DEI questions?