AUGUSTA, ME — The Democratic Party of Maine explained to voters that they can do "no rape" or "no incest", but not both.
After carefully reviewing the slate of possible Democratic Senate candidates in Maine, party leaders informed voters that they'll simply have to settle for one or the other.
"What do these people expect from us when they say we can't run a rapist?" said party leader Mike Prather. "Once you take all of the rapists out of the equation, it's just a bunch of liberals sleeping with their cousins. Those are your options, Maine. Honestly, we're getting pretty frustrated with these voters and their ridiculous expectations. Deal with it, people."
Despite the party's statement, some voters have remained hopeful that at least one Democrat could be found that had not committed rape or incest. "Surely, there's one liberal in this state who hasn't slept with his cousin or committed sexual assault," said local woman Denise Gaines. "I just have to believe we have at least one non-rape, non-incest option. I'm not giving up yet."
At publishing time, the state Democratic Party of Maine had announced the discovery of a "no rape or incest" candidate, but with the caveat that he died in 1902.
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