LAS VEGAS, NV — The FBI raided the home of Nicholas Cage in the early morning hours Friday after an anonymous tip that he had stolen the Declaration of Independence.
"I assure you, this tip was reliable and corroborated by at least two Disney movies," said Merrick Garland in a statement after the raid. "We have good reason to believe that the Declaration in the National Archives is a fake and that Mr. Cage has been in possession of the true original for years."
According to sources, FBI agents confiscated 12 boxes of documents, a pair of golden 1911 pistols used in the movie Face Off, and 13,000 copies of the Con Air DVD. "We also confiscated an illegal Koala, a boa constrictor, and 2 baby tigers," said the regional bureau chief. "It was a gold mine."
Mr. Cage claims he's being unfairly persecuted, that law enforcement has always had it out for him and that the movie National Treasure is just a fictional movie. "I didn't actually steal the Declaration in real life, you morons!" he shouted.
AG Garland dismissed Cage's statement as a "disgusting and deplorable" smear of law enforcement and then invited the press to a screening of Con Air at his house.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
