WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Biden fired FBI Director Christopher Wray Friday and appointed a new director that he hopes will restore American trust in the organization. Burt Macklin, a 20-year veteran of the bureau, will take command immediately.
"Burt Macklin, you've done it again," said Burt Macklin with a smirk while putting on his aviator glasses at a public press conference. "You all thought I was dead, didn't you? Well, so did the President's enemies. But now I'm back and on the case!"
Macklin, a once highly decorated agent who most notably worked on the Peach Pit and Piegate scandals, left the agency years ago after he was framed for a crime he didn't commit — stealing the President's rubies. According to sources, Macklin has since then been working alone and undercover as a regular citizen, Andy Dwyer, in Pawnee, Indiana.
"As FBI Director I promise not to let you down. But I was wondering where my director chair and that little snap thingy you hold and say 'action' is? Do I get those after my speech or — ?" said Macklin, while publicly addressing the nation. "Restoring trust is my top priority, along with capturing Hitler's one and only daughter, Judy Hitler, and finding the hidden location of her secret necklace that could end the war with Germany. Both are my first top priority."
Director Macklin, went on to announce that his top agents are currently being assigned to investigate the bicycle that tried to assassinate Biden by making him fall. He also promised to get to the bottom of who is sabotaging the country and weakening us from the inside at every turn.
At publishing time, his speech was cut short as he held his ear and shouted "suspicious activity!" into an earpiece that wasn't there and suddenly tackled a young girl off the stage. "Macklin, you son of a gun!" he said. "You just saved that little girl from being sniffed by that creepy old dude!"
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
