BANGOR, ME — Stephen King fans have long been perplexed as to how the man who wrote The Shining, the Dark Tower series, and Misery could possibly be the same guy who logs onto Twitter and tweets like a 7-year-old chimpanzee with anger issues.
Well, you can consider this mystery solved: the King estate confirmed today that the famed author actually died when he got hit by that van back in 1999, and they've just been releasing manuscripts they found stuffed in his dresser drawer since then. But what about the insane rants posted on his Twitter account?
Enter this little gal: Penny, a clinically insane blue-throated macaw who sniffs glue regularly and suffers from Tourette's syndrome. Penny was hired to keep King's Twitter account running with political hot takes and commentary on current events. She logs on to his Twitter every morning and just starts ranting like an absolute maniac on whatever the current topic is, or smashes the keys to tweet something insane about Trump.
"ORANGE MAN BAD! ORANGE MAN BAD!" squawked Penny this morning after drinking her first cup of coffee laced with methamphetamines. "LOCK HIM UP! LOCK HIM UP!" She then got to work bashing her beak into the keyboard and tweeting insane things about DeSantis, Trump, Republicans, and just about every other political topic imaginable.
"We wanted King's voice to remain relevant in the political sphere," said Hank Herbert, one of King's estate managers. "And Penny is just the gal for the job. She's annoying, she squawks like all the time, and she pretty much acts exactly like an angry toddler, making her tweets perfect for King to go viral on lefty Twitter."
At publishing time, the estate had revealed that they ran out of posthumous manuscripts to release after the excellent 11/22/63, and that every book released since then has been written by a halfwit honey badger with dyslexia.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
