BRUSSELS — Speaking in Strasbourg, France, on Wednesday, European Commission President Ursula von der Leyen announced that she had deemed Canada weak enough to join the European Union.
"Every decision they make on the global stage is for the worse, and that's just the way we like it," von der Leyen said. "Nothing says Europe more than weakness."
Following von der Leyen's speech, the European Parliament formally invited Canada to join the EU as an associate member. If Canada accepts, it'll have to pay EU dues, but it'll also gain a strategic trading partner — even though nothing was stopping them from trading with Europe previously. Canada will also join a brotherhood of other weak, inept nations.
Canadian Prime Minister Mark Carney said it was an honor to be considered so weak. "Canada has always been sort of European. It's why we're a constitutional monarchy, even though that literally means nothing," he said. "And I look forward to further weakening our sovereignty by joining a group that provides no benefits whatsoever."
U.S. President Donald Trump was reportedly critical of the offer to let Canada join the EU, acknowledging that it threw a serious wrench into his plans to turn Canada into America's 51st state. "I tell you, if Dudley Do-Right was still alive, he'd be ashamed," he posted to Truth Social. "Snidely Whiplash is running Canada. Sad!"
At publishing time, Trump had announced that he had successfully foiled the European Union's plans by renaming it the American Union.
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