PI-RAMESSES — Mighty Pharaoh (may he live forever) has reportedly released the Hebrews from their bondage after the land was afflicted by a plague of political fundraising texts.
For many nights, the land had been troubled by all manner of plagues, brought forth by the God of the one called Moses, who was formerly of the royal house. Pharaoh withstood them all, but this latest plague of political fundraising texts was different.
Phone after phone chimed with the sound of many message notifications, such that the chimes of the phones could be heard throughout all the land. The Egyptians checked their phones, hoping for messages from family and friends, yet receiving only empty promises and calls for money.
According to the royal scribe, Pharaoh cried aloud after receiving several texts in a row: "No, this is too great to bear!"
Pharaoh sent a message to Moses immediately: "Up, go out from among my people, both you and the people of Israel; and go, serve the Lord, as you have said. Take your flocks and your herds, as you have said, and be gone. Only take the political fundraising texts from me!"
Even after the Nile had turned to blood, creatures brought forth famine, and the people were afflicted with boils and hail and darkness, Pharaoh had failed to relent on the matter of the Hebrews' release — until the text messages came.
At publishing time, Pharaoh had decided to pursue the Israelites with his chariots after continuing to receive messages asking if he had filled out his voter profile.
Tucker Carlson is just asking questions about World War 2. Why was it even fought? Was Hitler really such a bad guy? And why did Churchill never denounce the trans agenda?
