LOS ANGELES, CA — Scandal struck Hollywood this week, as actress and businesswoman Sydney Sweeney attempted to gain support among liberal women by murdering multiple children.
After facing increasing backlash from progressive women due to her overtly sexualized public image, Sweeney opted to curry their favor by engaging in one of the activities they are most passionate about, namely child murder.
"It's a gruesome way to do it," Sweeney admitted. "But I really want them to like me, and that seems to be what they're really into. I feel bad doing it, but I need to capture every demographic I can."
Following news of the killings, liberal women flocked to Sweeney's website to buy clothes and lingerie and started following the actress on social media.
"I didn't like that she coded sort of right-wing," leftist Clarissa Maloy said. "But when I found out she murdered some kids, I realized the two of us probably have a lot in common."
Sweeney came under fire this week after she posed in the nude for an online advertising campaign, prompting critics to rail on the actress for supposedly objectifying women.
"We can get behind women who murder their own kids but not behind women who show their bodies to the world," Maloy explained.
At publishing time, liberal women had announced that they were withdrawing their support from Sweeney after reports surfaced that she had lied about killing any kids.
The Babylon Bee finally exposes everything about the Jews in this documentary of hard-hitting investigative journalism.
