NORTH POLE — Elon Musk finalized the purchase of Santa's Workshop this week and immediately released internal e-mails which show how the naughty and nice lists were created.
"After buying Twitter I wanted to try my hand at supporting a cause I really believed in," said Musk of his recent purchase. "But after finding out reindeer can't live in sub-arctic temperatures I decided to do some digging and find out what else they've been lying about."
An in-depth report, slowly revealed as fast as reporter Matt Taibbi could tweet, has exposed key conversations between Santa and his elves that demonstrate a lack of concern for personal privacy and human rights issues. The findings also confirm Santa Claus, who was previously said to make toys for all the world's children with the aid of Christmas magic, actually funds the whole operation by blackmailing wealthy politicians.
"The more I learn, the worse it gets," Musk tweeted just hours after gaining access to Santa's web servers. "The world should know the truth of what has been happening at the north pole."
Musk had initially tried to back out of the deal, citing a lack of transparency by Santa Claus.
Elon's subsequent trips to the North Pole have also provided much-needed context surrounding Musk's infamous "devil's champion" outfit, which he says was never a fun Halloween costume. Sources now confirm it to be custom-made armor designed to withstand attacks from the mystical elvish people who are indigenous to the region. It is also well suited to sub-arctic temperatures.
At publishing time, the tooth fairy has adjusted her tooth-currency exchange for inflation, presumably spooked by the revelations of impropriety at Santa's Workshop.
Kyle Mann was just minding his own business, when- BOOP! A wild Gender Fairy appeared!