U.S. — Man scientists released new health guidelines for personal hygiene on Wednesday by confirming the validity of a well-established tradition: washing your hair and letting the shampoo just sort of run down the rest of you is good enough.

"If a man washes his hair first, then the shampoo sort of washes off him by flowing down the rest of his body. It's kind of a done deal at that point," explained Dr. Eduardo Stromberg. "Shampoo already contains soap anyway."

"The science is settled."

The health guidelines are intended for circulation at public schools, fitness centers, and medical seminars. In time, Dr. Stromberg hopes that men can feel reassured that their lazy bathing is backed by hard science.

Also covered in the new health guidelines is confirmation that mixing colors when doing laundry has no ill effects and that shaking your hands wildly after using the bathroom is just as effective as washing your hands.

At publishing time, woman scientists have reportedly pushed pseudoscience about germs and body odor, aligning themselves with radicals that believe in a flat earth.

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