INGOT ISLE — According to sources, the ape known as Donkey Kong is certain collecting another banana will fill the God-shaped hole in his heart.
"OHHHHHHH banana!" DK said, illustrating that he hoped his next banana would finally bring him the lasting peace and happiness he had fruitlessly sought his entire life.
Donkey Kong, also known as DK, has allegedly been digging through the earth in search of Banandium Gems, a crystallized banana that is somehow edible, after discovering that normal bananas no longer satisfy him.
Religious experts believe that DK's fruitless search for his next dopamine hit is a mere distraction from what he truly needs: Christ.
"It's so sad, but I really hope he finds the Lord," said Pastor Giovanni Ravioli. "Unfortunately, he can't read. He can barely communicate with people at all. He's an ape."
In recent days, DK has developed a relationship with Pauline, a 13-year-old girl he carries around searching for Banandium Gems. She may be the link he needs to everlasting happiness; if she can just get him to stop for a minute so they can discuss spiritual matters. Unfortunately, she used to be a rock and has no apparent spiritual background.
But Pauline may be in danger, as experts suggest DK also has a short temper and propensity for violence. "He has been shown to resort to violence to get what he wants," notes psychological expert Dr. Terry Tiramisu. "He's murdered thousands of cute creatures already. All in search of obscure rocks shaped like bananas. It's very likely he doesn't care who he hurts in his futile search for fulfillment."
"Banana!" said DK, punching through a solid wall of metamorphic rock with his broken hands. "BANANA!"
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