WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Department of Justice has sentenced several key leaders of the Proud Boys to prison time after convicting them of inciting deadly riots for the wrong side.
"Let me be perfectly clear. We love rioting and lawlessness, but rioting that doesn't involve BLM, Antifa, or radical Communist pedophiles throwing Molotov cocktails at small businesses will not be tolerated," said Attorney General Merrick Garland in his charmingly raspy little voice. "These sick criminals dared to riot on behalf of political causes we don't like, and for that, they must face severe justice."
Prosecutors presented overwhelming evidence that the Proud Boys did not carry a single BLM flag on January sixth, nor did they chant approved slogans like "No justice, no peace." Sadly, the group was also found to have neglected to burn down a single black-owned business. "If they could have exchanged their American flags for BLM flags, we could have let this whole thing slide," explained Judge Jeanine Pierro. "We could have done probation if they had torched just one black neighborhood! They brought this on themselves."
"This violent, extremist, far-ultra-right Nazi fascist violent far-right group is extremely dangerous," said Garland in his statement. "Maybe now people will think twice before they stand in the way of our glorious red revolutionary army — um, I mean before they engage in political violence."
At publishing time, the DOJ had announced they would be indicting Trump again for calling the DOJ "corrupt" on Truth Social.
Here is a comprehensive list of the only instances it is acceptable for men to shed a tear.