U.S. — The American public at large has noticed an eerie calm in recent days, leading everyone to believe the slow news week must be a clear indication the reptile overlords who rule the globe must be planning something big.
"It's quiet. Too quiet," said local man David Moran. "Things never go this smoothly for this long. I don't know what the lizard people are up to, but I've got a bad feeling about this."
When reached for comment, the Earth's secret reptilian leaders confirmed the rumors. "Yesssssss, it'sssssss true," said Nagoh Kluh, spokesreptile for the elusive cabal of half-lizard creatures who control all aspects of society from behind the scenes. "We ussssssually plan thingsssssss better than thisssssss to keep from having such an obviousssssss break in the newsssssss. We asssssssk for your continued patienccccccce during thisssssss delay."
In the absence of any breaking news stories, federal employees working in the U.S. Department of Justice received a much-needed break from creating indictments against former President Donald Trump. "We've been working our fingers to the bone over here," said one DOJ employee. "It's nice to get some time off without having some scandal to cover up with a new Trump indictment."
At publishing time, many different catastrophic events were believed to be on the table for discussion, including the revelation of the existence of aliens, a new global man-made pandemic to wipe out a portion of the world's population, or a good ol' fashioned World War.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
