NEW YORK, NY — Now entering its third encounter with Whoopi Goldberg, the COVID virus has begun desperately searching for a vaccine against the talk show host.

"I'm begging," said SARS-CoV-2. "I don't care if the vaccine makes me grow an extra spike protein. I can't do this any more."

According to sources, the COVID virus initially brushed off talk of vaccination against Ms. Goldberg, not believing her to be a genuine hazard to a young, healthy virus. "I admit, I didn't take Whoopi infections seriously," said the COVID virus. "I thought she was only dangerous to the weak and vulnerable. I have discovered, to my own horror, that Whoopi can cause immense suffering to anyone she comes in contact with. After three bouts with her, I will do anything - ANYTHING - to make it stop."

Despite pleas from the virus, pharmaceutical companies report little headway in developing a vaccine against Ms. Goldberg. "We're at a loss," said Pfizer CEO John Reginald. "Modern medicine is, as yet, no match for Ms. Goldberg. The best strategy is avoidance."

At publishing time, the COVID virus had reportedly been heard wishing aloud that it had never been created in a test tube in Wuhan.

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