TALLAHASSEE, FL — In a brilliant compromise responding to left-wing demands for reparations for systemic white oppression, Florida governor Ron DeSantis has just announced a new Florida reparations program, which is to consist of lower taxes, less government, less murder, and endless sunshine.
The program, which DeSantis has promised to institute nationwide should he be elected president, has been hailed as a far-sighted move of political 4-D chess by analysts on both sides of the aisle. Shockingly, it has also been well-received among both conservative and liberal media outlets.
"What? Ron DeSantis? A Republican? REEEEEE!!" began CNN news anchor Brianna Keilar as she started reading her teleprompter. "Wait…wait a minute — reparations program! Yeah, you go girl! Yay, Equity! DESANTIS 2024!!!"
"What? Reparations program? A liberal policy? REEEEE!!!" started Fox News anchor George Mcbailey. "Hold up…just a second here — lower taxes? Less government? Fewer murders? Endless sunshine? Oh, baby, we are in business again! Let's hit the beach! DESANTIS 2024!!!"
Governor DeSantis was unavailable for comment, but several members of his staff promised that the governor would consider additions like "stronger foreign policy" and "less inflation" in future amendments to the reparations program.
At publishing time, Trump had posted a long rant about "Ron DeSanctimonious" to X (formerly Twitter) and promised that his reparations program would include "even more than endless sunshine" and "the least amount of government, maybe ever."
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