World
Climate Change Activists Begin Licking Doorknobs To Contract Coronavirus And Reduce Human Population

U.S.—Most people are pretty worried about the coronavirus since we've all seen Outbreak with Dustin Hoffman or lost a bunch of games of Pandemic

But climate change activists are welcoming the potential epidemic and are beginning to lick doorknobs in order to contract the virus and remove themselves from the human population.

"This virus is the answer to all of our problems," said George Mandolin, a climate change activist from Portland as he headed down to the local communist cafe to lick all the doorknobs. "It's a safe, easy, and humane way for us to eliminate our problematic carbon footprint for good. We, of course, wouldn't be hypocritical and suggest that other people should lick doorknobs before we do -- we live a lifestyle consistent with our worldview, and as such, will be the first to die."

"Farewell, cruel world!" he cried as he licked the handle to the bathroom door and was infected with 47 different diseases.

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