WASHINGTON, D.C.—"It's over, Pelosi! You've lost!" shouted a cackling Trump as he and the Speaker of the House hovered above the White House, locked in mortal combat. "You have no cards left to play!"
Pelosi, ragged and weary from battling her archnemesis for three years, managed a weak smile.
"Oh, I think I might have one card up my sleeve," she growled through clenched dentures. "Progressives, assemble!" Down on the ground, something incredible happened: brave Resistance warriors from all over began to assemble and scream at the sky, their powers adding to her own. Pelosi's eyes began to glow blue as she was filled with all the power of every outraged progressive across the land.
"Impeachment attack, go!!!" she cried as she unleashed a blue energy beam at Trump's chest -- a desperate, final gambit to impeach him forever and remove him from office.
But Pelosi was horrified as Trump only absorbed the attack, feeding on its power.
"Ha. Ha ha. Ha ha ha HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!" he cackled as he gained more and more power from the impeachment attack. "Foolish mortals! Every attack only makes me stronger!"
Trump then drew on all his newfound power to create chaos at the Iowa primaries, cause himself to be acquitted, and force Pelosi to have a mental breakdown, all in the same week. Unfortunately, he then tweeted something dumb, his only weakness. But Democrats then responded to his dumb tweet with even dumber stuff, causing his power to grow even more.
Breaking: Paypal Now Available
Many of you told us you wouldn't subscribe until we offered Paypal as a payment option. You apparently weren't bluffing, so we finally caved and added Paypal. Now — like the unbeliever faced with God's invisible qualities displayed in nature — you are without excuse.