BOSTON, MA — In ongoing protests over the war between Israel and Gaza, clever college students found an effective way to avoid being racist by simply calling for the murder of ‘Zionists' instead of Jews.
"Zionists clearly aren't people," student protestor Bashir Telum told the press. "I am allowed to call for their deaths and that doesn't make me a bad person or anything. You, know, because they aren't the same thing as Jews. Or people.
With data from hundreds of polls, more than 95 percent of Jews identify as Zionists. Zionism is the idea that the Jewish people are entitled to a homeland in the Middle East, with the establishment of Israel in the early 1900s as a fulfillment of this entitlement. To get around accusations of racism, brilliant college students have been calling for the deaths of Zionists.
"I wish death to all Zionist pigs!" protestor Cassidy Jones yelled at one Harvard event this week. "These evil colonists Jews — I mean Zionists — deserve to be wiped off the planet. Remember, I'm talking about Zionists, not Jews. I hate Jews! I mean Zionists! Man, this is a little tricky…"
Many American Jews say they're glad at least the protestors are trying to make a distinction but that wanting their homeland destroyed and everyone in it murdered seems awfully close to blatant antisemitism, but what do they know.
As of publishing time, protestors had also called for the death of all "people who shop at Buc-ee's and enjoy hunting with their buddies" instead of the more problematic "death to all white Republicans".
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
