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Church Rolls Out New Sleep Number Pews

LUDINGTON, MI—Church of the Harbor unveiled its new Sleep Number pews for congregants this past Sunday, becoming the first church in the nation to offer personalized, adjustable sleep options for members.

While many churches force you to try to get comfortable on a hard pew or chair, this church wants to revolutionize the way you sleep during a service. Attendees entering the building will be handed their own wireless remote, which they can use to tweak their own Sleep Number pew to their hearts' content.

"Finally, you can adjust your pew to the optimal level of resistance and incline for conking out during the pastor's message," said a deacon as he demonstrated his favorite Sleep Number pew in the back row. "For instance, I like to recline almost all the way down. I also like very little resistance—I want my pew to be as soft as a seeker-sensitive gospel message."

"Oh yeah, right there—that's perfect," he muttered as he drifted off to sleep.

Ushers will also make a circuit around the room passing out blindfolds and earplugs, in case the sermon is too distracting.

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