WASHINGTON, D.C. — After authorizing $100 million dollars for humanitarian aid in Gaza, President Biden assured Israel and other allies that he has received a pinky promise from Hamas that they won't use the money for terrorism.
"That's the strongest promise there is," Biden reminded reporters who questioned him on the matter. "They even put sugar on top and said 'Cross my heart, hope to die, stick a needle in my eye.' There is no stronger guarantee that this money will be put to good use helping innocent Palestinians instead of making homemade rockets to murder people with. It's all ok, folks!"
Biden then tripped on a nearby sandbag and broke 23 bones, forcing him to call a lid for the day.
"We thank The Great Satan for this gift of millions of American dollars," said Hamas spokesperson Muhammad Muhammad Al Muhammad. "We will get right to work buying, um, bandaids, and water, um, and whatever else our people need to stay alive, even though we all want to die as martyrs for Allah while killing Jews. We definitely won't buy $100 million worth of rockets. No way. Pinky promise."
At publishing time, sources had confirmed another $100 million worth of rockets were traveling toward Tel Aviv.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
