This Tub Of Expired Hellmann's Mayo And 10 Other Republican Frontrunners For Speaker Of The House
Politics · Oct 19, 2023 ·

As the search for the next Speaker of the House of Representatives continues, the American public is starting to wonder who else may be a candidate to fill the important role in the nation's legislative branch. With popular favorite Jim Jordan struggling to muster enough votes, the candidate currently gaining the most momentum in the race is an expired tub of Hellmann's mayonnaise. Historic!

Hellmann's isn't alone. The Babylon Bee has obtained the following list of the other GOP frontrunners:

  1. A tub of expired Crisco: Not as good as the Hellman's mayo, but a solid backup option.
  2. ¡Jeb! Bush: Can you say "comeback?" Yeahhhhh, baby!
  3. A talking puppet that says "Yes, spend more money!" when you pull his string: This wouldn't be much of a change from what the country is used to.
  4. Volodymyr Zelensky: The man who really holds the purse strings of the U.S. government would be a solid choice.
  5. An actual jellyfish: There's no one better at losing with dignity.
  6. An inflatable arm-flailing tube man: Nothing better to drum up some excitement in the House.
  7. Taylor Swift: For improved C-SPAN ratings.
  8. David French: What better person to lead the House of Representatives than the man whose righteousness truly exceeds that of the scribes and the Pharisees?
  9. Nancy Pelosi: At this point, might as well.
  10. An actual rhinoceros: No more "RINOs," just go with the real thing.

With any luck, you'll soon see one of the options pounding that gavel and spending that taxpayer money in no time. Best of luck to these stellar candidates.

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