HELM'S DEEP — According to official Isengard sources, a band of brave resistance fighters has arrived outside Helm's Deep in what they claim is the first of many battles in the noble campaign to decolonize Gondor.
"The age of men is over, and we will #RESIST every last colonizer," said Orc Lieutenant Uftgoth as his division prepared to march on the keep and slaughter every last man, woman, and child inside. "This is what democracy looks like!"
The gathered Orcs then joined together in an uplifting chant of "FROM RHUN TO THE SEA! FROM RHUN TO THE SEA!" to signify their desire to obtain freedom by murdering and enslaving all life in the West and covering Middle Earth with a shroud of darkness.
"It's important to remember that this isn't an unprovoked attack," said Middle Earth historian Grima Wormtongue. "The men of the West have a troubling history of settling on land that is the ancestral home of the Orc. Our Uruk-hai are well within their rights to kill them all. What did you think decolonization would look like?"
At publishing time, the orcs had breached the outer wall using the fire of Orthanc, which they had purchased thanks to 100 million in funds received from Denethor II.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
