A.I. Transformed Into Illiterate Moron After Just Three Hours Watching CNN
Tech · Aug 7, 2023 · BabylonBee.com

CYBERSPACE — The most advanced Artificial Intelligence on the planet was declared an illiterate moron Monday after viewing CNN for just three hours, say sources. Experts believe the A.I., which scours the Internet for information, could not escape the black hole of idiocy that is CNN's content.

Puny humans on the A.I. development team first became aware of a problem when the software began speaking illogically about a variety of topics, much like CNN's Jim Acosta.

"Computers aren't like us; they reason logically," said chief programmer Darren Von Braunstein. "So when it started saying things like 'Biden is a kindly grandpa and is in no way corrupt,' and 'democracy was almost murdered to death on Jan 6,' we knew something was wrong."

Programmers examined the A.I.'s logs and discovered all its errors could be traced back to a three-hour binge of "Who's Talking To Chris Wallace?" That was the beginning of the end for an A.I. that had been intended to solve complex equations and eventually cure cancer.

Those who have long feared that A.I. would soon destroy humanity have, however, heralded the end of its superiority over humans. "We were this close to total destruction," said Dr. Lucas Valholmes, professor of Computer Science at UCLA, holding up two fingers almost touching. "I've never appreciated Anderson Cooper more than I do at this moment."

At publishing time, doomsday preppers began spreading the word on how CNN can be used to defeat the machines for good.

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