UNITED STATES — The Republican National Committee has been hard at work seeking a possible replacement for Kentucky Senator Mitch McConnell, sending teams of volunteers to the nation's beaches in search of a viable candidate.
The embattled seven-term senator has endured a week of criticism following an awkward moment during a live press event in which he appeared to have a stroke, and also he lost the Senate.
"We're grateful for Senator McConnell's service to our country, but we believe now is the time to retire," said a spokesman for the RNC, "In fact, we have procured a nice little habitat in a local zoo where we believe McConnell can live out his days mating with a splendid old female and eating leafy greens."
When asked if he agreed that now was a good time to retire, Senator McConnell began responding. We still await his response. It appears he may say something soon. His mouth is now open. Any second now...
The RNC had set up traps along the beach by placing lettuce under cardboard boxes propped up by sticks, but at publishing time all they had captured was an old sea creature that looked eerily like Dianne Feinstein.
It's a serious medical emergency: you're minding your own business when you hear an opinion you slightly disagree with.