SAN DIEGO, CA — In a small corner of the San Diego Zoo's chimpanzee exhibit lies a modest laptop computer that an autistic chimp named Hank uses to run Governor Gavin Newsom's X account.
Hank has worked for Newsom for years, overseeing numerous strategic shifts in the governor's messaging, including suddenly posting in all caps or picking fights with popular figures like Donald Trump because he perceives them as threatening his status as the alpha ape. All of Hank's hard work recently paid off when Newsom promoted Hank to running all of his social media accounts full time.
"I don't think of myself as special. I'm like any other chimp," said Hank. "I like bananas and throwing poo at people, just like everyone else. I just happen to run the governor's social media accounts on the side. It's a part of my life, but it doesn't define me."
According to zookeeper Chelsea Handover, Hank mostly keeps to himself because he spends all day online tweeting for Newsom in exchange for three extra bananas. He works with minimal supervision, often threatening politicians to learn the secret of man's red fire.
"TINY HANDS SAYS I LET CALIFORNIA BURN BUT I DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW TO MAKE FIRE! BUT I DO KNOW HOW TO 'FIRE' HIM!" read Hank's latest post, which garnered several thousand likes.
When reached for an interview about Hank, Gavin Newsom said he had never heard of him and could not stay to talk because he was late for a reservation at the French Laundry.
At publishing time, liberals across the nation had descended on San Diego in hopes of meeting the monkey behind their favorite social media posts.
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