WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump assured the nation that the cost of groceries should drop just as soon as he renames a few more things "America."
With affordability the top concern among likely voters, the administration has recommitted itself to naming even more things "America" in an effort to bring down prices.
"Once everything is renamed 'America', the cost of groceries will fall like you won't believe," said Trump. "You're going to be so shocked, you'll go into the store and say, 'Wow. I didn't even know eggs could be so cheap. I didn't think it was possible.' People will be pinching themselves because they won't think it's real, how inexpensive everything will be. There will be mass pinching because of it, and it's going to be incredible."
Economists disputed the White House's assertion that renaming bodies of water would alter the cost of groceries, but Trump fired back. "When we rename the continent from 'North America' to 'America America', you're going to eat your words. These so-called economists are going to realize what low-IQ individuals they really are," replied Trump. "That's not all we have planned. The Atlantic Ocean, it's so ridiculous. What has Atlantis done for anyone lately? We'll have the 'American Ocean.' We're going to take Mount Everest too, make it 'Mount America.' And Antarctica, we're going to get that, too — Antarctica, which is impossible to say, by the way. You have to say 'ant' and then 'arc', which is so strange, it doesn't 'roll off the tongue', as they say. We'll make it 'AntAmerica,' which will be so much easier and more beautiful, frankly. That's when the price of beef will really come down, believe me."
At publishing time, the nation's economists had hung their heads in disbelief and shame after the cost of groceries plummeted 72% in the wake of Lake Ontario being renamed "Lake America."
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