UGANDA — With Target boycotts sweeping the nation, the company has been forced to send pallets of unsold Pride merchandise to impoverished tribes in Africa. International aid workers are frustrated, however, as none of the poor children will accept the free clothing.
"Um, no thank you," said Kamba, a 10-year-old boy from the Ndebele tribe who was wearing nothing but some leaves and a piece of old rubber tire. "I'm really not interested. I'd get killed for wearing that shirt. Plus, I'm not queer. Plus, it's really ugly. Thank you, though."
Sources say that across the continent of Africa, millions of dollars in unsold Pride wear has still gone unclaimed. "It seems that these tribal people are homophobic bigots," said Camella Fuzz, a Peace Corps volunteer in the nearby city of Kampala. "We need to teach these ignorant savages to be more gay."
In response, Target has announced a task force to infiltrate African elementary schools to teach queer theory to kindergarteners. Experts say this will make it more likely for the locals to accept the Pride merch.
At publishing time, all the members of Target's task force had been thrown in a Ugandan prison.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
