U.S. — According to sources, former New Jersey Governor Chris Christie will announce his candidacy for president next week. Already, several political analysts are predicting that he will eat the competition's lunch.
"Make no mistake, every Republican candidate in this race is in danger of having his or her lunch eaten by Chris Christie," said statistician Nate Silver. "He will also eat their breakfast, their dinner, and any snacks they may have lying around. No candidate is safe."
Christie's campaign team is touting him as a well-rounded politician with very wide appeal who will address the heavy issues Americans are most concerned about. "He brings a gravitas other candidates lack," said a spokesman for the campaign. "Only Christie can tackle the broad range of problems we face in this country."
At publishing time, Trump and DeSantis had realized they were in trouble after Republican officials announced the primaries would be decided by a hot dog eating contest.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
