SACRAMENTO, CA — After months of speculation about Ayatollah Mojtaba Khamenei's health, suspicions of his demise arose once more after his name was discovered on the California voter rolls.
According to reports, "Mojtaba H. Khamenei" is currently registered to vote in three counties across California, prompting concerns that he may really be dead.
"That's usually not a good sign," said foreign policy expert Roger Gunther. "Once a name turns up on California voter rolls, you have to start preparing for the worst. It's one of the most reliable indicators we have that a person is deceased."
U.S. intelligence officials had previously been unable to assess with any level of certainty whether Khamenei was still alive, despite his prolonged absence from public view. Those uncertainties quickly faded after analysts discovered that he had registered as a Democrat in Los Angeles, Alameda, and Santa Clara counties.
"We can now confidently state that the Ayatollah is pushing up daisies," stated CIA Director John Ratcliffe. "Khamenei has officially joined his father as a Democratic voter, alongside Osama Bin Laden and Genghis Khan. He's a goner."
At publishing time, California Governor Gavin Newsom had proudly announced that California was becoming a desired retirement destination for dead Islamic dictators.
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